olderbrothercomplex.com

Is she the one?

A young gentleman asked (through a public Christian forum): “how do I know this girl I really like is the one?”  To help him answer that question, I came up with a 5-question ‘quiz,’ based on marriage literature (books by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, and other authors), various online resources (Family Life, Crosswalk.com Marriage, etc.) and other sources of information.

This targets guys, but could be useful to girls, as well.  So, if you’re wondering if you’re ready to do this thing called marriage, answer the following questions:

1. are you guys old enough to be married now or within the next couple of years? will you be able to stand on your own two feet, and support yourselves as a family?if yes, proceed, if no, stop. it doesn’t matter if she’s the one – there’s nothing you can do about it for now.
2. are you a God-fearing man, living for His glory? do you know what you’re doing in life and where you’re going?if yes, proceed; if no (to either of the questions), stop. you first need to figure out yourself, and how to live a purposeful, God-glorifying life. if you don’t have an identity of your own, if you don’t have self-awareness, and you jump into a serious relationship, you will ruin the girl’s life.  and no young woman deserves somebody who’s going to be dead weight.
3. are you ready to give up your interests and your comforts? change your habits, how you spend your free time, and how you spend your money? are you ready to sacrificially love her, by yielding to her needs and wants?if yes, proceed; if no, stop. you are not ready for a serious relationship until the need for companionship (which God put into your heart) becomes greater than the need to be in full control of you time, money, and all decision-making.
4. is she a Godly young woman? does she love and serve God, and is God’s regenerative work evident in her life?if yes, proceed; if no, stop.  it’s not going to work, if the two of you aren’t living for the same overarching purpose.
5. does she make you a better person? do her actions/words or just here mere existence call you to be more holy, more honorable, more dedicated as a worker, more responsible as a future leader of a family, more devoted as a friend, more of a thinker/ponderer?if yes, proceed; if no, stop. if she doesn’t make you a better person, you’re looking at marrying down. within the first 3 years of marriage, the infatuation will fade, the rosy glasses will melt off, and you’ll realize that you have to spend the rest of your life with somebody dragging you down, instead of spurring you on.

so, let’s recap: if you’ve gotten all the way down here, you’re old enough and mature enough to support and lead a family; you’re not a dead weight, and there’s a good chance you will NOT be a man who leads a life of quiet desperation, while his wife tries to do something, anything, to get him to show some interest in being a leader of the family.  it also looks like you found a wonderful girl who can become a wonderful wife.  final question:

are you willing to be wrong for the rest of your life?

if yes, things are looking very good, indeed. if no, forget about ever getting married.

ok, so maybe that wasn’t a fair question. i’m sure that throughout mankind’s history, out of hundreds of millions of marriages and out of billions and billions of arguments, there was at least 1 time where a husband was right. there has to be, right? right??

concluding remarks: notice, no question about whether she and you are exactly alike, or, on the flip side, exactly opposite. there are plenty of happily-married people who are complete opposites and plenty of happily-married couples who might as well be twins. notice, no questions about your and her families. they are secondary to the life that you will build together. some in-laws are harder to get along with, but, hopefully, you’re not marrying her for the in-laws. notice, no questions about how many children she wants to have, who wants to live in the city and who wants to live in the country, and definitely no questions about the color of the wedding invitations.  all of that stuff is secondary. if you are ready for married life, if she is ready for married life, if the two of you will make each other better and can become best friends and soul mates, and if both of you know that this life is not all there is, but just the beginning, then you’ve got a good foundation to start on.

just remember that marriage (just like love) is not a state of being, it is action – a deliberate, difficult, day-in-day-out working out of sacrificial love towards your spouse.