• Accounting
• Advertising
• Aerospace and Defense
• Agriculture/Forestry
• Architectural and Design
• Automotive and Parts Manufacturing
• Automotive Sales
• Banking
• Biotechnology/Pharmaceuticals
• Broadcasting, Music and Film
• Business Services
• Computer Hardware
• Computer Software
• Computer/IT Services
• Construction
• Education
• Energy and Utilities
• Entertainment Venues
• Financial Services
• Food and Beverage Production
• Government and Military
• Healthcare Services
• Hotels and Lodging
• Insurance
• Internet Services
• Law Enforcement
• Legal Services
• Metals and Minerals
• Nonprofit Charitable Org
• Performing and Fine Arts
• Personal and Household Services
• Printing and Publishing
• Real Estate/Property Management
• Rental Services
• Restaurant/Food Services
• Retail
• Security and Surveillance
• Sports and Physical Recreation
• Staffing/Employment Agencies
• Telecommunications Services
• Transport and Storage
• Travel
• Waste Management
• Trade/Import-Export

Do you see any industry in that list that would not require interaction with people? And since this list encompasses pretty much all the jobs that are out there, can you, therefore, think of any job that would not involve interaction with people? Dealing with their moods and idiosyncrasies, understanding them, relating to them and spending time with them? There are probably a few non-people jobs out there, but the percentage is incredibly low.

Your job/career is one of the places where you’ll see Biggie #3 surface really fast. It’s all about other people and how you interact with, deal with, and treat them.  An incomplete list or reasons:

1. It’s a widely accepted fact that likable people, i.e. people who are easy to relate to, do better in their jobs; books have been written about increasing your likeability
2. In Trent’s excellent article about getting ahead at work, 10 out of 14 tactics have to do with relating to others
3. If you’re difficult to deal with, the only way you’re staying around is if you are skilled in your craft or, if you’re well connected (once again, relationships!  ).  But people will dislike you, and will simply put up with you.  If you have worked for any length of time, you probably know a person like that.
4. It’s hard to achieve anything but the bare minimum if you don’t have the trust or support of your boss or coworkers
5. Understanding the people you’re interacting with helps you “speak their language” – multiple tests like the DiSC Profile and Myers-Briggs Type Indicator are used by companies to help their employees understand how to better interact with one another
6. People have feelings, moods, and ups and downs; the better you can read these, the better off you’ll be

#6 requires a bit of an elaboration:

So much talking is done about the “real world” and “being professional,” while we’re in school or just starting out, that we get caught in the trap of formulaic approach to people at work: show up at your cubicle, submit your report to the boss, answer a co-worker’s email, host a meeting, go home.  Co-workers and bosses are just other chess pieces, moving around the chessboard.  We tend to forget that every single person around us carries with them happiness or sadness or excitement or gloominess, and all of the baggage (good and bad) from the non-work hours gets hauled into the office every day.  Likewise, there are bad and good days, for a multitude of reasons.  Sometimes, the mood of a person or a whole group is relaxed, and other times, you get a sense that just one more straw will break the proverbial camel’s back.

As such, there are times to joke, and there are times to remain somber and business-like.  There are times to pull people aside and check in with them, and there are times to just get out of their way.  There are times when playing with whatever toy you got at Thinkgeek.com will be considered hilarious, and there are times when it will get you an appointment with HR.  No matter how professional people try to be, they are still people.  If you learn to be attuned to how they’re feeling or to read their mood, you will be much better equipped to deal with them.

In summary, to have a meaningful job, to create a great reputation, and to have achievements that are above basic expectations, you need to be able to relate to and deal with others well.  Reading Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People is a great first step.  To paraphrase a song once again, “there’s no people like ‘people’ people.”

All right, back to that dinner.  We were at an 8-person table,  and this couple ended up being seated separately.  Mrs. C sat next to another woman, while Mr. C sat across the table, next to a different couple.  The function went on for quite some time, so there was plenty of time to observe everyone’s interactions.

The woman sitting next to Mrs. C took issue with the outfits of the guests, and would lean over to her every once in a while, and say something to that effect.  I couldn’t hear everything clearly, but the gist of her comments was that the outfits, especially the dresses, were not modest at all.  She quietly complained that modern fashion leave very little to the imagination, and that young people these days don’t seem to care modesty and propriety as much as they should.  What I remember better than the exchanges is the look on Mrs. C’s face.  With a somber expression, she leaned towards the woman, trying to hear over the noise of the crowd in the hall, and nodded slightly as she listened.

On the other side of the table, Mr. C was yucking it up with his neighbor, who was the closest thing to a cowboy that you can find in the Northeast.  I got the impression that Mr. C, purposely or not, was doing a very good job of mirroring this gentleman. While I missed most of their conversation, it was ongoing throughout the evening, and it seemed that the pseudo-cowboy was controlling it. What I remember from that is the heart-felt chuckling, the agreements on how good the steak was, and the overall friendly nature of Mr. C. It was easy to think that these two guys were buddies who were seated at the same table.

The function ended, the woman and the pseudo-cowboy went home, and so did Mr. and Mrs. C. Just another dinner in another function hall. And yet, I keep going back to that night in my mind. I’m guessing that when the woman left, she felt her opinion was heard, and she had talked to someone who understood where she was coming from. And I bet the cowboy gentleman thought he had a nice time chatting about food and sports and current events with a guy sitting next to him.

Mr. and Mrs. C’s stock went up with me that night, because they made the pleasant experiences possible for these two people. I’m sure Mrs. C hears from distraught parents about the choices that the younger generations are making. I’m sure she could have done without another helping of that, throughout dinner. And I’m sure that Mr. C, a well-educated man, would have much rather enjoyed an intellectual conversation about any number of topics, instead of shallow chit-chat. They, being guests of honor, could have made themselves busy elsewhere in the hall. They could have switched the topics of their respective conversations, and started talking about what was interesting to them.

But they did not. They selflessly yielded to other people, putting the interests of other first. An act of humility like that says a lot about a person’s character. Mr. and Mrs. C, when I grow up, I want to be like you.

image by FadderUri

All this time, your thoughts are brewing and going through a range of emotions, from feeling misunderstood – “How could s/he say that?  Doesn’t s/he know how busy I am?” – to counter-attacking – “Oh yeah?  Well, we’ll see who’s on time to the meeting next week!  As a matter of fact, maybe I should follow him around and see how many of his meetings he’s late to!”

Think of an instance like that, when you were on a receiving side of a scathing comment.  Think of the author.  Is this person mean-spirited in general?  Does this person harbor any ill will towards you?  Was this person lashing out at you, for whatever reason?  If you can’t answer with a resounding yes to these questions, then it’s quite possible that you took the comment in the wrong way or it sounded a lot worse than it was meant to.

Now, misunderstanding is very much a part of life, and will be there so long as two or more people are interacting with one another.  What I’d like to get at is why the comment was so upsetting to you.  The likelihood is that you felt hurt, misunderstood and maybe even bitter because that comment touched a raw nerve or pointed out a flaw and you became defensive.  We don’t like it when our flaws are pointed out to us.  We’re not happy when a topic that we struggle with is broached, especially if our shortcomings/failures/inconsistencies could be exposed.

Maybe you are taken aback by the comment on your early arrival because you know that you’re late quite often.  Or you feel a little too much sting, when a comment is made about the the noises your car makes because you know you should be taking better care of it.  Or you are inclined to tell your classmates it’s none of their business, when they ask about the latest paper – the one you’ve been dragging your feet on.

So, the next time a friend or a relative unwittingly throws a dart and hits the bullseye, before you get upset or strike back, think about why the dart hurt – maybe there’s something you need to work on?

Biggie #1: Life is about balance.

Biggie #2: Most important things in life are difficult.

Biggie #3: Most of life is about other people (but don’t forget about Biggie #1).

Slowly but surely, I will elaborate on each of the Biggies.  Stay tuned.

This targets guys, but could be useful to girls, as well.  So, if you’re wondering if you’re ready to do this thing called marriage, answer the following questions:

1. are you guys old enough to be married now or within the next couple of years? will you be able to stand on your own two feet, and support yourselves as a family?if yes, proceed, if no, stop. it doesn’t matter if she’s the one – there’s nothing you can do about it for now.
2. are you a God-fearing man, living for His glory? do you know what you’re doing in life and where you’re going?if yes, proceed; if no (to either of the questions), stop. you first need to figure out yourself, and how to live a purposeful, God-glorifying life. if you don’t have an identity of your own, if you don’t have self-awareness, and you jump into a serious relationship, you will ruin the girl’s life.  and no young woman deserves somebody who’s going to be dead weight.
3. are you ready to give up your interests and your comforts? change your habits, how you spend your free time, and how you spend your money? are you ready to sacrificially love her, by yielding to her needs and wants?if yes, proceed; if no, stop. you are not ready for a serious relationship until the need for companionship (which God put into your heart) becomes greater than the need to be in full control of you time, money, and all decision-making.
4. is she a Godly young woman? does she love and serve God, and is God’s regenerative work evident in her life?if yes, proceed; if no, stop.  it’s not going to work, if the two of you aren’t living for the same overarching purpose.
5. does she make you a better person? do her actions/words or just here mere existence call you to be more holy, more honorable, more dedicated as a worker, more responsible as a future leader of a family, more devoted as a friend, more of a thinker/ponderer?if yes, proceed; if no, stop. if she doesn’t make you a better person, you’re looking at marrying down. within the first 3 years of marriage, the infatuation will fade, the rosy glasses will melt off, and you’ll realize that you have to spend the rest of your life with somebody dragging you down, instead of spurring you on.

so, let’s recap: if you’ve gotten all the way down here, you’re old enough and mature enough to support and lead a family; you’re not a dead weight, and there’s a good chance you will NOT be a man who leads a life of quiet desperation, while his wife tries to do something, anything, to get him to show some interest in being a leader of the family.  it also looks like you found a wonderful girl who can become a wonderful wife.  final question:

are you willing to be wrong for the rest of your life?

if yes, things are looking very good, indeed. if no, forget about ever getting married.

ok, so maybe that wasn’t a fair question. i’m sure that throughout mankind’s history, out of hundreds of millions of marriages and out of billions and billions of arguments, there was at least 1 time where a husband was right. there has to be, right? right??

concluding remarks: notice, no question about whether she and you are exactly alike, or, on the flip side, exactly opposite. there are plenty of happily-married people who are complete opposites and plenty of happily-married couples who might as well be twins. notice, no questions about your and her families. they are secondary to the life that you will build together. some in-laws are harder to get along with, but, hopefully, you’re not marrying her for the in-laws. notice, no questions about how many children she wants to have, who wants to live in the city and who wants to live in the country, and definitely no questions about the color of the wedding invitations.  all of that stuff is secondary. if you are ready for married life, if she is ready for married life, if the two of you will make each other better and can become best friends and soul mates, and if both of you know that this life is not all there is, but just the beginning, then you’ve got a good foundation to start on.

just remember that marriage (just like love) is not a state of being, it is action – a deliberate, difficult, day-in-day-out working out of sacrificial love towards your spouse.

More seriously, though,  I had been thinking of starting a blog for quite some time (for reasons outlined in the first post and on the About page.  But for about a year, it seemed like a good idea, not something that I really wanted or even needed to do.

I have been reading blogs on self-improvement,  personal finance, and goals for almost three years now, took the first Men’s Fraternity course twice, and have generally been filling my head with thoughts and ideas that I wish I thought about much earlier.  The concepts of setting goals and living purposefully kept emerging as the front runners from all of these channels of information.  “What do you want to do, and how are you going to do it?” seemed to be the question everyone was asking.

I’d like to think that my mind is a shiny, lighting-fast Athlon X2, but it seems that many processes are being handled by a 486.  In other words, I needed to absorb a lot of information, and digested all of it very slowly.  But, one fine day, things finally clicked.

On a rainy, overcast Sunday morning, driving on mostly empty roads, I suddenly found myself facing a series of questions. “What am I passionate about?”, “What central idea does my life revolve around?”, “What brings me true satisfaction?”, and “What is my life’s purpose?”  Even six months earlier, I would have shrunk from questions like that, or wouldn’t have asked them in the first place.  But not that morning.  That morning, I was reminded of a quote by John MacArthur: “integrity is when every part of your life matches all the other parts.” So, as the question fluttered about in my head, I kept searching for something unifying or universal.  “How should my life be defined, and what do I want to be remembered for?”  Finally, it hit me: “helping people.”  This was my calling, my purpose and my livelihood.  The concept seemed to match well to all parts of my life, and it was a concept that I WANTED to be in every part of my life.

Helping my own family, by providing and taking care of it.  Helping my siblings and parents in their lives.  Helping people I work with, by doing my job well and making their’s easier.  Helping my friends and my church with my time and resources.  Helping random people, if I can.  Potentially helping people by putting down thoughts and observations about life and publishing it to whoever wants to read.  Pretty much helping in any way I can.  So, that’s what I’m going to do, and that’s why I’m hoping to regularly contribute to this blog.

Well, now that I’ve sucked all the air out of the room with my self-importance, this takes care of my “me” posts quota for the next 12 months.  See you in October 2009! 

The What

About page provides basic background, and I will reiterate and expand on it here: my somewhat unique set of circumstances and a multitude of missteps has given me a perspective on life that I want to share, even as I continue learning about it and making (and sometimes repeating) mistakes.  Specifically, my “qualifications” are as follows:

• Have been giving advice for 25 years or so
• Didn’t learn about life in USA from my parents (immigrants), so I’ve had to learn it on my own
• Authored many “don’t do what I did” scenarios

So, my plan is to harvest these experiences, rinse off the specifics, and, hopefully, get little gems of universally applicable wisdom out of them. With a little nugget of an action item thrown in here and there.

The Why

Still, any thinking person can draw from his or her experience, share it with company, finish the cup of coffee and call it a night. Why put this up on the world wide web? For several reasons:

• I have gained greatly from blogs in the last few years (especially good ones will find their way into the blogroll), and like the medium as a means of information transfer
• It’s an easy way for me to share about life with my younger siblings, because the “conversation” is at-will – nobody’s eyes have to glaze over, as I launch into yet another very serious lecture about “what life is all about.”
• Hopefully, a few more people out there will find this stuff useful, or, at least, thought-provoking

I’ll write more about the purpose and planned content of Older Brother Complex later on; for now, I’ve dipped my toes in the water, and it feels pretty wet.